Out of Place

Hmm I really should be getting to bed...like now, but I'm going to blog (haha that sounds so weird coming from me...). Anyways, right now, I just feel extremely out of place...I mean I kind of have gone through that stage a few times in my life and such, and despite the fact that I hated high school, I still had a place. After graduation I had this big, black cloud hanging after me, despite the fact (yes you get to read that phrase twice today yay!) that I loved being free from high school and all the horrible things that come with it. 

However, every time I go to my singles ward, it's like I have an internal meltdown just being there. I don't know how else to describe it. There are good parts, I'm not saying it's all bad. I love being with Mckynzie and Mckayla and Kirsten, they are amazing and help me through it even though they don't realize it. Sacrament is great if I can focus (which I'm getting much, much better at), but after that it just kind of goes down hill. 

I feel so awkward there all the time. I can't go back to homeward though. I feel almost cornered though, in singles ward. Now it's so easy for me to see how people can go inactive. Sure I would hate being hounded at time be leaders, etc. saying that I needed to come to every activity, but I wasn't going inactive or anything (nor am I saying I am now). It's so easy though to just lay back and watch it go by. I have no motivation to go to FHE at my ward (in fact I think I've been to Haley's ward as many times as I've been to mine), nor any reason to go to ward prayer, etc. Unless there are people there that I want to be with I don't really have a reason to go (which is not what it was about in yw, I would just go no matter usually). It's quite sad, hopefully no one freaks out after this confession. 

I just don't feel like I belong there. I'm not very good at being social or making new friends and usually the only people there who approach you are there to make sure you stay active and come to everything and hound you to death with their proclamations of how amazing the next activity will be and how I should come. I've been trying to be more social and less awkward, but it's not an easy task. Honestly, I don't know why I have friends already considering what an oddball I am. I'm not doing a very good job of putting all these fragmented thoughts together into something comprehensible. 

Every time though, I feel like there's that horrible, gloomy cloud overhead that I can't get rid of. It's been getting less frequent, the times that I feel like this that is, but it always reappears at some point in time. I don't feel like there's anywhere where I just want to be at church for all three hours and like I'm supposed to be there for all three hours. I feel so awkward everywhere I go. 

I love Institute, and every once and a while there will be those moments, but I still feel like I've been thrown into some stormy ocean with only a few life lines that are slowly being cut, leaving me to drown. I don't know if I'm just making excuses, but after I decided that I was going to go to the temple every week and go to Institute and all the activities and such, it got a lot harder. I feel so cut off from everything spiritual. 

Before, in high school, like my spiritual knowledge, testimony and such it was all fine. I didn't really do much about any of it, but it's just how things were. Right after graduation though, I have this driving force that I need to know everything, I need to be strong in what I believe and I've been questioning a lot of things and why I believe them. 

Going to Institute so often and after feasting at Haley's, I feel so ridiculously stupid. I know so little, about the scriptures, church history, everything! People around me are quoting books and chapters and verses, and stories. I feel like I moron because half the time I don't remember the story and the other half I couldn't tell you what book it's in, let alone what chapter. I'm amazed and impressed by how much everyone knows. I really want to learn it and be able to study better and just...know it. Know all of it. 

I never would've anticipated all of this happening this summer, nor did I think anything would hit me so hard. I just feel so disconnected spiritually. I don't feel anything. People share their intuitions and promptings, I don't even know if I'm good enough of a person to have that influence anymore. I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I have no guidance any more right now. I feel so out of place and lost and helpless and I hate it. I hate being a 'damsel in distress'. 

I think that's why I was given so many good friends though right now, that I really don't deserve. I can't even express how thankful I am for Haley's kindness, Kassandra's wonderful opinion and loving words, Ariadni always being such a tolerant friend, Katelyn helping me to laugh. I would be completely lost without them in a time where I already feel completely hopeless. I'm so thankful for all of their examples when I really just don't want to do anything or be involved with anything right now... I just can't find my place right now and makes me feel like I'll never have a place where I'm comfortable with myself and where I am all the time. Which is something I need to work on. 

I can't form anymore thoughts right now, so thank you and goodnight...